Don't Forget to Celebrate Small Wins

Weekend Essay: Don’t forget to look out for the mini milestones

It’s the big life events and milestones that traditionally prompt people to get financial advice. Things like getting married, divorced or retiring all have financial implications, so that makes sense. But life is also full of mini milestones that may not have obvious financial implications. These can unsettle people emotionally and throw their thought processes off course, which is relevant to financial advice in the context of vulnerability.

Life throws curveballs

This was brought home to me recently when Ryan, my youngest, left junior school. Pangs of nostalgia for his early childhood caught me unawares on the last day of term – and I’ve never been emotional about school-related milestones or my kids growing up.

I understand the sadness that some parents have at leaving the tradition pre-school years behind, but I’d never felt it personally. I’ve tended to focus on what comes next and the people my kids have become, rather than yearning for how they used to be. I think losing my dad before I met Dan, my husband, taught me not live life looking backwards, otherwise what’s happening now can pass you by and create a vicious circle.

But this summer has been more emotional. For me – not for Ryan, who outgrew the juniors last year and is excited to move on. Reading about the retired Olympic swimmer Rebecca Adlington getting emotional about her daughter leaving primary school made me realise it’s probably quite common.

What those commentators probably don’t realise is that it’s a very different experience to how it used to be. My parents were certainly not involved with my primary school as much as I’ve been as a parent. Watching the school play and going to parents’ evening to collect my report was pretty much it.

These days, it’s an endless cycle of celebration assemblies, plays, music performances, fundraising events, sports days and so on. Even if you’re not on the Parent-Teacher’s Association, you end up getting involved in these things and build a connection with the staff. In my case, the junior school has been part of my life for the last 11 years and I’ve had a great relationship with the head.

There’s also a whole circus now around children leaving primary school that seems intended to pull on the emotions. For Ryan, we’ve had a leavers’ party – complete with four PTA-organised limos; a leavers’ ‘graduation’ assembly; a three-day residential; leavers’ certificates; leavers’ hoodies; the signing of good luck messages on school polo tops; and so on.

Looking forward

Somehow it all got to me in the end and the three consecutive miscarriages I had after Ryan – before Dan and I finally accepted our family is perfect as it is – popped up in my mind. I realised that if things had turned out differently, I would still be a primary school mum when the autumn term starts in September.

Separately, my daughter picks her GCSE subjects this year and my eldest turns 18 soon. He’s learning to drive and is about to start university in September – albeit staying at home. So, although he’s not flying the nest yet, this summer feels like a triple whammy in how quickly time passes and how this impacts my identity as a parent.

I didn’t have time to dwell on these thoughts as we needed to drive up to Grantham in Lincolnshire for Dan’s uncle’s 90th. You would expect a 90th birthday party to intensify my nostalgic mood. That was my worry when our cousins put on a video showing decades of family photos and recorded messages from people who couldn’t be there in person.

But our uncle and aunt – who is in her 80s – provided the tonic I needed to shake the mood I was in. They are both physically and mentally active, very positive and forward looking, and still share a passion for golf and travel.

Our uncle was visibly moved during the first video. But when one of his daughters put on a second video that threatened to outstay its welcome, he politely turned it off, did a short speech thanking us all for turning out for his 90th and came over for a chat. Family is obviously important to our uncle and aunt, but what struck me is that they have their own lives and interests outside their kids, grandkids and extended family.

Our uncle chatted to us about things that had happened years ago – like seeing the Rolling Stones’ late drummer Charlie Watts play jazz at Ronnie Scott’s. But the focus was firmly on the future as we talked about plans for his 100th birthday, the forthcoming trip to France our aunt had booked for them and our eldest’s career plans.

That kind of positivity is infectious. So, as we left that evening – with my youngest clutching the balloons that he’d been given from the table decorations – I knew I’d be fine as a secondary school mum with an adult child. My mindset now is completely different to how I felt on the last day of term. I can now see how clients can be temporarily in vulnerable circumstances and why it is important for advisers to connect with clients in ways that go beyond their financial needs.

Sometimes emotional responses to external events skew things and all people need is a chat with someone who can provide a different perspective. That’s something you can do if you’re a financial adviser – and I can’t tell you how valuable that is.